I Would Slap an Elf in the Middle of Winter

Mickey Marlene-web

Image © ​Olivia Parkes 2018

 

by Vanessa Peterson April 6, 2018

just to be your man. I fall in love

with your eyes. Cute dress. Do me

a favor—wear them more often.

I usually only chat up 30 somethings

but you seem pretty sexy. I have

a dog, but he’s a dick. If you want to

take a chance, text me. We’ll meet

at the SPCA. I’ll let you play with my

cup of coffee—I’m not a biter. Are you

my appendix? ‘Cause I have this funny

feeling in my stomach—I need to take you

out (that came out lame). Is there any way

to convince you to try my cheese

fetish? Stop being so cute. What makes

you think you deserve my love, you whore?

 

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Lines for “I Would Slap an Elf in the Middle of Winter” taken from OkCupid dating site:

By the way, I usually only chat up 30 somethings but you seem pretty sexy” —captnubblebunnz

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I would slap an elf in the middle of winter just to be your man lol” —gatorbaitNFL

Is there any way of convincing you to try, do, or watch me do my cheese fetish?” —foursex

Cute dress. You should wear them more often” — masterdivision

if you want to take a chance text me at *********. I’m not a biter lol, ok that came out lame” —HartEater27

Hey I have a dog but he’s a dick” — Dan_Sol

I fall in love with ur eyes” — Rachiiid3

We’ll meet at the SPCA for dogs, and I’ll let you play with my cup of coffee.” —STRMQQ

You whore, what makes you think you deserve my love? :p” —lover33333334

Do me a favor and stop being so cute” —manofurdreamsss

Are you my appendix? Cause I have this funny feeling in my stomach that makes me feel like i need to take you out” —Camaraojacob

 
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Vanessa Peterson is currently attending graduate school at Arcadia University where she’s studying to receive her MFA in poetry and is also a current poetry editor for Marathon Literary Review. She lives in Northeastern Pennsylvania. Her work can be found or is forthcoming in Unlost Journal, Boston Accent Lit, and Occulum.

Olivia Parkes is a British-American artist and writer based in Berlin. Her work has been published in Electric Literature, Zyzzyva, Hayden’s Ferry Review, American Chordata, The New Haven Review, Gone Lawn, and Blue Five Notebook.

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